She pours me a drink and offers me a cigarette, which I take, shaking so much I nearly drop it. After a bit more chat, Kay then explains that her husb...nd is out for the afternoon, and that he knows that I am there. She explains that she has a real ‘thing’ for watching young men play with themselves, she has invited one other young man back but he was too pushy and it didn’t work as she wanted it to. So she wants to try again, with me – with ground rules that there is to be no full sex, no. I wrotethe only thing I could think of and passed it back.I knew that I had to be insane at some level, but the words that I'djust heard had opened something inside me. I knew that whenever my headtold me to reject my fate here, something else would draw me deeper.The two internal forces had been in conflict. For the moment myinstinct worked to dig me in as deep and as fast as it could. At thesame time, this did fit my conscious plan for public atonement, even ifit worked against the idea of. More

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