"I've not told anyone this," I say. "Not even my mum, and you must NOTtell anyone you know, okay?" Laura..." Megan whispers, tears in her eyes. "Wh-wh...?" I just couldn't go back to being a boy, I couldn't," I say. "I want toleave my past completely in the past." Does that include me?" Megan asks. "Because when we were at primaryschool, we really did have fun at times, didn't we?" At times," I say. "But we've had so much more fun SINCE primaryschool, haven't we? With ballet, our regular. Something precious had been replaced by a guilt complex. It had also induced a deep sense of shame into my sexuality.Much later in married life, I discovered that only a guilt-ridden fantasy of Dan allowed me to climax fully.For me sex was a cocktail which included a shot of Dan and a shot of Shame.But since my husbands death, all that had been forgotten: until Dan had came to stay with us.While I stare into the darkness of the window I become aware of the reflection that’ s before me; of the. More

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