Hurt and disappointment filled his eyes and then he was gone. I was left behind with my thoughts. On the first day I thought only about how difficult...it was for me to say it aloud, how scared I was of it. I paced around the empty flat the whole day, made cups of tea to calm me down and then forgot them lying around with only a few sips drunk. I slept little that night. On the second morning I wished I could call him and ask him to come back so we could talk. I could make him understand, I was. No, no, not mentally although maybe that too but physically. Tilly did that as well. Of course I don’t bloody like it, who wants a cane on her arse? So why do I allow it? Because it’s what I am. Oh God, no, I wouldn’t let just anyone cane me or beat me or tie me, only someone I love. As if I could say any of that to anyone. So I told Maggie all was fine, thank you and it was a lovely lunch and I’m sorry about yesterday and it won’t happen again. Home again and this time I drank the large gin. More

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