"Stopthat awful whining. Why don't you die."The pain was enormous; vast. World sized. I should have burst from itand expired, but couldn't. Words don'... come close enough. If 1 is nopain and 10 the worst you've ever felt, how does the pain feel now?Seventeen fucking billion and climbing. I felt everything they did,every injection, every intervention, every way they tried to make mycrumpled body more comfortable when any other person should already bedead.When the helicopter landed I finally. But she didn't tell him to leave. She didn't want him to leave. She didn't know what she really did want. She wanted several contradictory things from one moment to the next. Joel left after a while, and Lucy hid from him for two weeks, not answering the telephone at night or responding to his letters. When she did talk to him, she let him know about the ambivalence she felt and she asked him to try to understand. He seemed to. She lay that night thinking about what she would like. More

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