Estes grimaced and shook her head and asked, "So what do your bigtough football friends think about you wearing your mother's clothes andsmoking girly...cigarettes?"I told her they didn't know, and that they wouldn't know."Well you can't keep it a secret forever," Mrs. Estes said. "I heard youtalking to your coach. You know he's going to tell the guys on your team.Do you think they won't drop by here to see what you're up to?"My heart did flip-flops because I hadn't thought about my friends. "All true. Nonetheless, I realized that this is perhaps the most majorall-or-nothing decision I've ever made in my life, and suddenly, I foundmyself questioning literally every decision I've made about my genderjourney. Even to the point of questioning whether they were in factdecisions at all, or whether I'd simply allowed myself to be carriedalong by some kind of thoughtless momentum, one step leading inevitablyto the next, and to the next, without stopping to consider their validityor. More

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